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Why I Haven't Had Sex in 10 Years

March 18, 2015 in Blogs

By Anonymous, xojane

The fear that I was unlovable because I couldn't do this very basic thing became too much.

I’m not ugly. I have, if I do say so myself, some really nice legs. My rack isn’t bad either.

I had sex for the first time at 15. It was typical teenage fare — sneaking a quick one up in my bedroom while my mom made dinner. I was the first one out of my friends to lose my virginity (despite all the bragging of an older friend who gave her boyfriend a blowjob and proceeded to show us how using a banana and yogurt.)

But then, something happened. When I was 22, a senior in college, I developed a painful disorder called vulvodynia. It gradually worsened to the point I could barely stand to be touched anywhere near my vagina. It hurt to sit for long periods of time or to wear tight pants. 

I found a doctor who specialized in the condition. He made me hold a mirror between my legs so he could show me the bright red circles around the vestibule, or the opening around the vagina. He told me those circles were evidence of damaged or overactive nerves.

A full exam, even with the smallest speculum they had, was out of the question. I remember him touching one of those red spots as I screamed. It felt like I had been stabbed with a knife. I looked down to see the doctor holding a Q-tip.

My boyfriend, same guy I lost my virginity to, was still around for better or worse, usually worse. He was supportive throughout painful treatments that rendered me completely abstinent and, ultimately, surgery. Then just as I was cleared to have sex again, he was gone. 

My surgeon cut away the nerve damage and reconstructed my vagina and the inner labia so that no one would ever know. But once you’ve had your lady bits sliced and diced it’s not that easy to lay out the welcome mat.

The recovery was pretty brutal. I never knew how many stitches I had down there. I had no idea …read more


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